«Let the world know you as you are , not as you think you should be.»
» First defense against evil ….. Open your damn eyes»
» I ran into my ex the other day ……… put it in reverse, AND HIT HIM AGAIN!!!»
» Too often, we lose sight of life’s simple pleaseres, remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the motherfucker upside the head……..»
~I live for the moments I get to spend with you, but it kills me then to remeber you don’t care~
“Nothing says run quite like: FIRE!”
“Save a horse, ride a zebra.”
~ “Some days I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.”
~ “When I get the urge to clean, I lay down until it passes.”
–The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on
–Behind every successful man is a surprised woman
–What you call dog with no legs?Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.
–The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
«Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.»
-«Suicide hotline…please hold»
“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant»
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself»
If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful dessert, have a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet drink.
How can there be self-help «groups»?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Cooking lesson #1: don’t fry bacon in the nude
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.